Speedism: Rules for Riding Fast whilst high or drunk

Speedism, common affliction for riders in possession of bikes weighing less than 40 grams.

1. Make sure all facets of your bike are functioning, on both structural and mechanical levels. Do not attempt to fly down any road, freeway, hill or footpath unless they are working perfectly. There is only the prospect of being fed with a spoon for a year or at the least a broken fibula waiting for anyone foolish enough to skip this step.

2. Ensure your aware of which brake lever pulls which brake and the pressure required for emergency braking maneuvers. At speeds greater than 20kmh a front brake jerked suddenly will throw you over the bars and into a fatal swan dive. At best you may eat 10 metres of bitumen, if your lucks running low you may have a facial encounter with a semi being piloted by a brute who’s just slurped his first bag of grade A on his way to Darwin.

3. If it’s unavoidable and you are going to wipe-out, make it big style and cannonball right into your immovable assailant. If possible whilst mid-air, lob any illegals or booze into the darkest corner you can spot. Once the cops are crowded around your crumpled body you do not want to give them cause to drag you into the back of their wagon. Brown paper bags to conceal your sizzle are advisable when on route home from an establishment. If your only option in that moment of midair madness is to throw it in the direction of some streetside diners, at least nobody will find any shards in their Carbonara.

4. The most advanced rule, which requires extreme discipline and willpower. Avoid, at all costs, the temptation to take your carbon lightweight racer anywhere that you may be persuaded to indulge in alcoholic pursuits. It is advisable to keep a rustbucket handy for such occasions, particularly Sundays. Your sister’s bike is a suitable vehicle, fat tyres, a basket for storage of flammables and a step over frame to avoid any embarrassing falls and alerting the law. There is a new fad emerging in the backstreets of Tokyo for professional Keirin riders to drink copious amounts of sake, whilst watching sumo wrestling, before mounting their racers for a black market gambling operation. More and more tourists are falling victim to these jacked up speed machines, as they wander around looking for the tiny sashimi bar listed in their tour books in some obscure address. Being plowed into by a Japanese pedaling furiously with legs like pillars is not on most people’s itinerary’s. Save the carbon horse for daylight hours.

5. Diet should be monitored in the lead up to any potential ride post good times. Carbohydrate intake should peak around 2 hours prior. Guinness should be avoided at all times, it’s liable to cause you to fall asleep early into your journey home, rendering you incapable of reaching your destination. Tequila should be taken in the last 10 minutes to ensure you are charged and alert before riding at 30+ kmh on busy sidewalks. Coffee should be consumed on departure, black only. Milk is for babies.

6. Don’t do any of this.




thanks Hunter.

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